What to Say to the Victim of a Violent Crime
Posted: Wednesday, August 29, 2007
by Bruce Horst
WryteStuff
On Saturday, August 25th, 2007 at approximately 9:00 AM an unknown male wearing a bandanna and waving a large handgun entered my house through the backdoor. At gunpoint he forced me to round up my 7 and 14 year old sons and then ordered me to turn over all cash in the house. He eventually tied me up and put us in an upstairs closet so that he could search our house, saying that if he found any cash that I had not told him about, he would be back to kill us.
I should preface this by saying that as I write this, 4 full days have not yet passed since this ordeal. This is based on my opinion after my own specific set of circumstances, and it won't apply to every victim of a violent crime. In the end, none of us were hurt physically, which I'm sure is making this much easier to work through than it would have been otherwise. I reserve the right to modify my opinion as I work through this.
The biggest mistake people have made is telling me how I should have handled the situation, or how they would have handled it. No one who is traumatized is looking for advice about the past, nor do they care how you would have handled it. Offer support, offer sympathy, then shut up. I will probably always struggle with how I handled the situation. At one point I sized up the gun and the gunman and decided I probably had about a 95% chance of being able to take him. I had to weigh this against the fact that in the event that I did get control of the gun, it would certainly be traumatic for my boys to see their father shooting someone in their own home. I also had to consider that there was likely a better than 5% chance he was going to shoot us no matter what.
How do you make a decision like that? I did my best and it turned out to be the right decision, but it might not have been. I hope some day I can rest confident in my decision, but having someone who wasn’t there tell me how I should have handled it will not make that day arrive any sooner.
Another mistake I see is people talking about our situation in front of us, and not to us. If you want to gossip, please have the decency to do it out of our sight. We don't mind talking about what happened, sometimes it is helpful for someone to ask me about it as I work my way through it. I would imagine this isn't always true of someone who is traumatized, but it should be the victim's choice. Hearing others talk about it among themselves never helps.
I should also mention sometimes we've felt hurt by the people who haven't talked to us about this. If you have a friend or relative who has been traumatized by a violent crime, please don't be afraid to ask them how they are doing. They need to hear from you too.
We have had an incredible number of friends show support for us. I would say that for me personally, I will probably change just as much from the impact of the support that we have received as I will change from anything the gunman did.
I have concluded that the best things that someone can say to us is this: “I’m so sorry this happened to you", “I’m so glad you made it through this", and "You handled it well!" If you have a friend who has gone through a traumatic event like this, your friend will never get tired of hearing such statements.
This Article has been viewed 1,523 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
More commentsBruce,
Thank you for sharing your story and the reactions of others. I can't imagine what this experience must have been like for you and your family. I had a colleague who had a similar experience and I remember her challenge in processing it. You did your best under a set of very difficult circumstances. You protected your family through your instincts. Arm-chair quarterbacking is never helpful. Be well as you and your family processes this major trauma. If there's anyway I can help, let me know!Thanks, James, this means a lot coming from you!
I can see that there are going to be steps for me to process this. At first I didn't think I was ever going to be able to leave the house while anyone else in my family remained at home. I can now see that I'll eventually I'll get over that.
I've been having trouble sitting at my desk, since this is where I was when he entered the house. Now there is a Glock model 19 beneath my computer monitors, and that helps a lot. Eventually I'll get over this too.
Fortunately, I did receive a good book in the mail the other day that I plan on reading. I'm sure it will offer some interesting insight!
Bruce, God bless you and your sons, you are all alive and unharmed so you 100% acted correctly. No amount of money is worth your or your sons lives. Meanwhile, you have had a terrible shock to your system. I imagine you feel like you have been hit by a train. I know with certain things I have been through that the 'near miss' factor has a very profound effect and you cannot help but feel shell shocked about what 'might have been'. Take time to deal with those feelings and 'talk' freely about your fears. People may say, 'but it didn't happen' but that does not stop you feeling like it did happen....nearly! There but for the Grace of God go I...sort of thing. This feeling will pass in time. With regard to your insensitve friends. Their alternative plans may have resulted in some horrible ending and so their specualtion is meaningless. YOU got the best result. Take comfort in that. Meanwhile, it is natural for them to ponder what they would do in that situation. As I was reading your article I started to wonder what I would do. It is is so rare to know someone who has been through an experience like this, so when someone you know HAS been though it, you immediately get a sense of 'it could happen to me too'. So you begin to consider your response in that situation. Their error was discussing their personal fear and ideas with you! You are a VERY brave man and your sons too.Thanks Leah. The police agreed: We're alive, we won! I don't really hold it against anyone for not knowing how to react.... I didn't know either. You are correct that I feel like I've been hit by a train. As Jean describes it, one minute I'm doing fine, the next minute I'm gripping onto the wall. (Figuratively, not literally.) Only a few days have passed, but with each new day things are better than the day before. I'm sure I'll get beyond it eventually, and be a better person because of it. My prayer is for the same thing for my kids.
Hi again Bruce, I think you may retain a sense of fear with regard to it happenning again for a while, as once something like this does happen, in our heads the likelihood of it happenning again goes up, when I suppose in reality it should go down as lightening rarely strikes twice in the same place. But as time goes on, it will lessen. It may help you and your family to perhaps get in touch with a victim support group. I'm not sure they have them in the USA but we have them here in the UK and they are said to be helpful in recovery.
Bruce, I happened upon your article and am overwhelmed with thoughts of what it must have been like for you and your sons to experience such horror. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.Thank you Mary.
Bruce, I empathize with you as we has a similar situation happen to us two years ago in which the police of Horry County were completely useless forcing me to work with the Governor's office of SC. This is frightening and you did the best you could especially since your children were involved. In cases like this, and actually any ‘sympathy ordeal’, people always amaze me, and sometimes, ‘silence’ is best… But in all fairness, I suppose, in general, people generally get uncomfortable and nervous when confronting situations like this. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and thanks for enlightening us from first-hand experience!Thank you Judi! Fortunately for us there are some County constables who have taken it personally that this happened in "their neighborhood" and they are working diligently to find the perp and prevent this from happening again.
I still have a few friends and family members who have refused to talk about this with me.... possibly because they don't know what to say, possibly because they don't want to admit their own vulnerabilities. Regardless, it still feels the same.
We have definitely felt the prayers and support from our many friends on SearchWarp, our church and our neighbors. Two weeks have not yet passed and I can definitely see evidence of 'all things working together for good....' and I expect that my family will ultimately be stronger and closer than we have ever been as a result of this incident. The passing of time definitely helps as well.
Bruce, Dang! This was a scary thing. I am glad that you and your boys are ok. It's been a while now since it happened and I'm sure you have had time to realize it, but I'll say it anyway. You did nothing to deserve or instigate this! The world is full of knuckleheads who would rather steal yours than work for theirs. These things are generally random. The Glock, a new alarm system, a big nasty dog, whatever it takes to make you comfortable with your families security is fine. The important thing is that you and especially your sons realize that you did nothing to deserve this. What you did do, could have done or should have done means nothing. You guys are alive...you won the day. JDB,Thanks JDB. You're right, we won! I'm still working on the irrational fear thing... I expect that the guy is going to come back, which I know is really very unlikely. Ultimately, though, what helps is to feel like I'm ready for him to come back.
Bruce, The whole day was surreal to those of us looking on! Mike and I both agreed we would have done exactly as you did considering the boys and all. We praise God for His faithfulness in keeping all of you safe. May He continue to protect your thoughts and emotions through this difficult time of healing!Yes, Kitty, very surreal! I really appreciate Mike coming over to the house with Jean that morning. You guys are true friends! God has definately been faithful in this. I guess I'm starting to see this whole ordeal as a wake-up call. I'm not sure what has been more surprising to me, they guy coming into our hourse with a gun, or the number of people who have shown up to show support and help us where ever and when ever we need help!
As you mentioned in your article that people were telling you how you should have handled the situation and that didn't make you very happy.....I just want to say, you handled it perfectly your all still alive and well. congradsThanks Kathy. Those first few days after the robbery were pretty dicey. I really didn't want anyone telling me anything! I really need to write a follow-up to this article. I've learned a lot since this incedent occured and I'm sure it's changed me for life.
Thank you Bruce for sharing your experiences. I for one think that you did the right thing. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed about.Thanks Aaron. Time has a way of healing.
Hi Bruce,
I just read your article as you get close to the first anniversary of the event. I hope you have been able to put most of the bad parts out of your mind. It is awesome that so many people cared and helped. I am glad you got to take that away from this situation.
One of the reasons I wrote my PTSD - the Invisible Wound article is because I have met so many people who went through a battlefield trauma and have been unable to take the good from it and leave the bad behind. I think the care and support of others is a big part of that. We have seen enough on TV and movies to be able to imagine and understand what a robbery would look and feel like. We can show sympathy and empathize with victims of that type of crime. We can, kind of, picture ourselves in that type of situation. I think, though, that very few of us can actually relate to what our service people have gone through. We haven't heard the bombs and bullets and seen people blown apart right in front of us. Thank God, most of us have never had to deal with the visible wounds many of these people have had to overcome. As a result, we really don't know how to meet the needs of PTSD friends and neighbors. As time goes on, because they really can't identify with what the person has been through, most grow weary of trying to help the victims put it behind them, and the victims withdraw even more into their world of isolation, flashbacks and other horrors they must deal with for years on end.
I am glad your friends and family were there for you and could help you and your sons through this. If you have not done so, I would love for you to write a follow up article telling us how things are going and the blessings that came to you from this.
PatriciaThanks for your comments, Patricia. You make some very astute observations.I'm looking forward to passing the first anniversary of this event, if for no other reason than just to have that marker indicating it is further behind me.
More comments
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.