Secrets of My Success: Have You Met My Girlfriend Jean?
Posted: Sunday, November 21, 2010
by Bruce Horst
WryteStuff
What are two hopelessly in love teenagers to do when they go for pre-marital counseling and the marriage counselor advises against getting married? I'd say they should prepare for the time of their lives!
Jean and I were kids when we got married, and yes indeed when we took personality tests as part of our pre-marital counseling, the results came back with the instructions for our counselor to encourage us to reconsider getting hitched. We never really considered the advice. It seems that every part of her personality is the opposite extreme of every part of my personality. I guess this is supposed to be a recipe for marital disaster.
At our wedding, Jean had me include in my vows that I promised we'd always have fun together. We've had our share of ups and downs, I still think we've always had fun, though.
Jean grew up fiercely independent.
“my mom read the Birth Order Book and told us that when two youngest children get married (I'm the youngest of 5, she is the youngest of 6), they go bankrupt within 5 years of marriage.”
We learned early on not to go to marriage seminars. We really don't fit the traditional personalities of husband and wife. I think she's more like the hunter, I'm more like the gatherer. When we've tried marriage seminars, they've always ended up trying to get us to fit into reverse roles and then accuse us of being in denial when we say their suppositions don't apply to us. This puts us into a real bizarro-world, and we've learned to avoid these situations like the plague. I think this helps us to sympathize with others who don't fit into stereo-typical roles. I should probably point out that during our married life together, we've constantly been told that we're doing it all wrong. I'm so sorry!
I can honestly say I've never met another woman like her. We fell in love while talking, and the conversation has gone on ever since. A few weeks ago Jean went to Dallas to visit a friend for the weekend. At the end of the first day away she called me, and after an hour or so of laughing with each other over the day's events, her friend made her get off the phone. I guess spending 24 hours a day with each other during the week just isn't enough for us.
If you asked Jean what we've done to have a good marriage, she'd tell you it was a lot of hard work. For some reason I don't think of it this way. I guess she's worked harder at it than I have.
This morning we went to breakfast with our middle and youngest sons. After a while a young mother with two infants stopped by our table and told us that she hoped that she would be able to have as good of conversations with her kids as she overheard us having with ours. This was nice, as it is more common for people to stop by our table to tell us that we are talking too loudly! Either way, we have some great conversations with our kids.
A few days ago we were discussing relationship statuses on facebook and we started joking about the idea of changing our 'married' status for an 'in a relationship' status. After all, we're not having the times of our lives together because we're contractually obligated to. We actually enjoy each other! On a whim, we did it. This is a pretty good micro-representation of our relationship. I'm crazy in love with her, and she is pretty crazy about me. I like being in a relationship with her.
When we were newly weds, someone told us that to have a good marriage, we must think of our marriage as a third person. Someone who needs to be nurtured and fed so it can grow and be healthy. That was good advice.
On March 22nd, 2011 we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary together. I think if there was some sort of marital scorecard we'd be doing pretty well. We regularly take vacations together with just the two of us. Our oldest son has been successfully launched into a life of his own in a city 200 miles away. Our middle child is a senior in high-school and entertaining full-ride college scholarships, and our youngest son (now 10) is really coming into his own as a fifth-grader.
A lot of our friends who married at the same time we married are now divorced. Even our pre-marital counselor was found to be cheating on his wife during the same period of time he was giving us marital advice. I'm not really certain why we were so fortunate the first time around, but I do consider us very fortunate. Maybe it's because we became adults together. It's not much of a secret, but if I have any success in life, it was certainly Jean who enabled it.
Updated March 4th, 2010:
Because of the long-held tradition that Mennonites don't believe in adorning themselves with jewelry, our mothers didn't receive engagement rings from our fathers. Instead, they received clocks!When I asked Jean to marry me, I gave her a small plaque which said, "For my beautiful wife to be... February 8, 1985" and I told her I was making a clock for her, and that the plaque would eventually be a part of it.
The plaque covers a hidden time capsule in the clock, which we've put our love letters in. Remember, this was before email! You can see the plaque at the bottom of the picture on the left.
We decided that we'd open the time capsule on our 25th anniversary, which has always seemed so far away. As I'm updating this, it's only about two weeks away. I can't even remember what those love letters say, but I'm looking forward to finding out.
Here's an old family video, put together in 1998, if you'd like a little multimedia glimpse into our lives:
This Article has been viewed 1,811 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
More commentsMy mother and father were married for 55 years before my father died and my oldest brother just celebrated their 57th. anniversary and also my oldest sister has been married for 55 years.
there is no denying true love.
thanks for sharing this story of you and Jean Bruce.That's a great family history. Thanks Dave.
Bruce -
Thanks for this wonderful story - it made me smile!
SusanThanks Susan, glad it made you smile.
Bruce and Jean, thanks for sharing your story. For one thing, it inspires similar stories to emerge. Your love and longevity may not be breaking news, but it is evergreen. Good news is the beacon or Spotlight for many who yearn for what you have.Thanks Suzi. I'd love to read similar stories.
"Jean had me include in my vows that I promised we'd always have fun together... We actually enjoy each other!" Man, why didn't I include the "fun together" line in my vows to Miss Harriet?What a glowing tribute to your beloved! A very moving story, Bruce. Marriage is such a unique creature, though most marriage counselors who do marriage seminars have yet to find that out. I wish you and Jean another 25 years of bliss. ~mogama~Yeah, I wouldn't have thought of putting that in my vows by myself. I guess I've been had!
Thanks for your compliments, Mogama.
Wow, Bruce! What a delightful piece. My wife and I celebrated 31 yrs yesterday, and we have substantial differences - like day and night in many ways. We are alike in the ways that matter most, long-term.
Your pre-marital counselor didn't know how to apply the personality information his testing provided. It is not a compatibility test, but a test to reveal relational dynamics that are best understood and managed well.
Congratulations on your functional, fulfilling marriage.
I don't know what happened, but I tried to rate this a FIVE!
DaneThanks Dane, and congratulations to you, too!
Actually, the pre-marital counselor received the test results with a note to call the company, and they told him directly to encourage us to rethink things. Or at least that's what he said. There were some other strange things going on with this man at the time... like carrying on an affair with another person he was counseling. I wouldn't want to insinuate that he was the norm.
real love stands all test,weather all storms,keeps no record of wrongs, love holds no barrier, happy that you took the right step. wish i could meet your jeanThanks for your comment, Ifeanyi.
This is what happens when you marry a non-conformist. NOTHING goes the way it's supposed to. :) Thank you for sharing your personal life with us, Bruce. Entertaining and enlightening.Thanks Danny. We're not non-conformists for the sake of non-conforming, but there's just not a lot around us we'd like to conform to! You guys certainly seem to have found the key to happiness as well...
Great article Bruce, I really enjoyed reading it.
Thanks for sharing your story Bruce. Live a Happy life always.
Wonderful story Bruce. I am so happy that the both of you found the love of your lives. Too many people do not ever get to experience this wonderful connection with somebody else, long may it last.
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