How to Influence Others: What I've Learned About How to Change Someone's Opinion
Posted: Monday, February 07, 2011
by Bruce Horst
WryteStuff
Want to know how influence others around you? I'd like to present for your consideration my thoughts on influencing others.
20 years ago Jean and I were still newly-weds and very much inexperienced in the ways of the World. It was then that I read a book by Charles Colson that I won't even name because the most significant thing that I learned from the book consisted of only a few paragraphs, and it really had nothing to do with the rest of the book.
This was interesting to me because I came from a place where the way to win an argument was to be either the loudest or the meanest, or both. The concept of allowing people to arrive at their own conclusions seemed like a much better way to influence people.
While I was trying to figure out how to put this piece of wisdom into practice, Jean and I started having kids. Our first son Zach is very strong willed in an extraverted way. Our second son AJ, who is very much like me, is strong willed in an internal way. Neither of them have ever been rebellious, just very stubborn.
AJ's stubbornness had more to do with phobias. (Did I say he was like me?) From a young age, he was terrified of elevators, escalators and water slides.
“There are more important things than being right, even if you are right.”
At some point I realized that in order for AJ to overcome his reluctance to use these things, it needed to become his idea. He needed to decide for himself that each of these things were good things.
Would AJ want to avoid an elevator if this meant he had to walk up 5 flights of stairs? His choice, his decision, his conclusion. Viola, it worked like a charm. (Well, there was the time Jean picked him up and threw him down a water slide, but that was different!)
There have been numerous points of stubbornness with all 3 of our boys over the years, but I'm happy to report that all 3 of them are now mature beyond their years. Whether it was giving them their own bank accounts so they could learn to handle money at a young age, or refusing to wake them in the morning so they learned to be responsible for their time and set their own alarm clocks, they learned. In an age-appropriate way, Jean and I have rarely TOLD our boys what they MUST do. We've tried to present them with the options and talk through what each option meant. Last Summer, at 17 years old, AJ spent his life savings so he could fly half-way across the country to go to college for two months. And this was HIS idea.
These examples show how allowing your children to arrive at their own conclusions works well, but how does this work with influencing others in general?
Over the years I've gotten into a lot of discussions. I've helped people become better at influencing people in their own discussions, and I've used this information to help them. It's human nature to argue with someone by telling them they are wrong and insult them by labeling them with broad, general labels. This is also called 'name calling' and it's not very effective. I believe it was Kierkegaard who said, 'Once you label me you negate me.' (I know this because of Wayne's World. Excellent!)
The thing is, when trying to influence someone, there is something more important than being right, even when you are right. Do you really believe that telling someone they're wrong and calling them names will influence them to see your point of view? Never. And it doesn't matter if the names that you've called them are true. That's completely beside the point.
A much better approach is to present the facts and let the person arrive at their own conclusions. If your facts are solid, they will arrive at the same conclusions that you have, and it will be THEIR idea. They might even start debating others to try to get them to see their (your) conclusions. Then you will have really been successful in influencing this person.
A good example to use is racism. Being called a racist is an incredibly insulting thing. If I called someone 'racist', the person would immediately become defensive and probably call me a few names in return. Even though I may be right in my assertion, I definitely am not making the situation better. Instead, if I ask questions about why one person was treated one way, and another person was treated another way, the other person in the discussion would be more likely to think about it. They might even decide it was because of race, and decide to change. Bingo, I've just influenced someone in a positive manner. To me, this is more important than being right.
I would like to re-state my key points for clarity:
1. Give people the information they need to arrive at their own conclusion, but don't draw the conclusion for them.
2. Do not tell them what they MUST believe. If you've done this, you've already lost the discussion.
3. Ask more questions, make fewer statements.
4. There are more important things than being right, even if you are right.
5. Never label with broad generalities. This is equivalent to name calling and is usually insulting to any intelligent person in the discussion. (What? You weren't insulted? I'll let you arrive at you're own conclusion as to why not. :)
Thank you for condsidering my points.
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More commentsAn excellent article Bruce. I just wish I were a little more adept at adopting the recomendations.I don't mind someone differing with me but when they begin to belittle and ridicule my knowledge and also wisdom, I get a little unruly. But I do try. I guess I am too old and set in my ways.Thank you, Joel. If people only ridiculed my knowledge and wisdom, I'll feel fortunate!
Basically I agree. You can change people's minds just by asking pointed uestions. (sorry, one letter sticks). No need to raise your voice usually. Only in matters of life or death but there are exceptions. Nice article. God bless.Thanks Jesus.
You not only illustrated your excellent points quite well, you practice the one which I consider may be the most important of all, and that is lead by example. "Bruce and his excellent advice.":-)Aw shucks. Thanks David!
You are RIGHT on target here. I loved your example of your son AJ and phobias, psycologists could take note of that example--outstanding! Great article.Thanks Steve. You must have a daily routine where you get on SearchWarp early in the morning. I know you've seen some of my articles that I posted in haste, which didn't follow these guidelines, before I deleted them!Yeah, I get to em pretty early sometimes Bruce--I thought this article was something that needed to be said and was full of wisdom and insight. & My middle name is Haste sometimes...
Steve
I simply loved and learned from this article. I will try to include these points in my writing where the goal is to influence opinions based on fact. The analogy you used with your kids makes it even more prescient. Thanks Bruce.Thank you Egberto!
Bruce, this reminds me of a lesson I learned about film directors- a good director tells the actors what he/she NEEDS rather than what they WANT. You can flip this to define a bad director.
You have your work cut out for you on that one, Bruce. In a society where even news outlets now draw large audiences from strongly opinionated, shouting hosts, the ideas of letting people reach their conclusions are harder to practice than ever. But I do know they work, especially the one about not waking up your children. I began NOT waking up our teenagers a year or so ago. Now they wake up on their own, get ready and call to me, "Dad, let's go...we may be late for school..." They and I don't leave the house upset with each other on the way to school anymore. ~mogama~
This article contained some basic points and provides a good foundation when one is participating in any dialog.
Another great article, very educational and informative - I did enjoy reading it
Loved your article Bruce. I so agree with you when it comes to letting our kids come to their own conclusion. This is how they learn.... Loved the part about the children learning to set their own alarm clock. Made me laugh and brought back lots of memories!!! Tks
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