What Back to School Means to Me (this year)
Posted: Wednesday, August 24, 2011
by Bruce Horst
WryteStuff
This year 'back to school' means to me that my middle son will be flying off to his first of many years in college.
I can write about what this means to me here because even though AJ practically lives on the Internet, he would never find his father's words here on SearchWarp.
AJ has my personality, so that's the special way we relate to each other. I relate to our other two boys in special ways, but if you have a child who is your personality, you understand the unique benefits and challenges this poses.
When AJ graduated 5th grade, Jean and I dragged the rest of our kids to the fifth-grade graduation (must they have a graduation for everything these days?) The public elementary school was having air conditioning problems so we were hot and sweaty, and the public address system was so outdated that we could barely make out anything said from the stage. We really didn't want to be there.
While Jean and I were waiting for the ceremony to start, the parents of one of AJ's friends sat down next to us and then commented that they had heard of the awards AJ was to receive that night. Awards? AJ hadn't told us about any awards.
At the end of the ceremony the principal started handing out awards. It turned out the school had participated in a new optional testing program that year. AJ had tested at the top of the fifth grade class in all 5 subjects, and this school had placed #1 in the Nation in 3 of those subjects. AJ hadn't even told us he was taking these tests.
That's when Jean and I started having parents call us to ask us 'what we did' for AJ, to prepare him academically. Jean likes to tell people that we didn't do anything, it's genetic. (Ha!) And then wait to see how long it takes for them to realize she's joking. My standard response is that AJ is just a sharp tack, but what really impresses me about AJ is that he's a nice kid. If you knew him, you would agree. He would be a friend to anyone who needs a friend.
A long time ago I decided that when each of my boys entered second grade I would take them out individually to a restaurant of their choice once a month, on the date of their birthday. We call this their 'birthday anniversary'. These monthly events have been among the most rewarding experiences of my life. As you can imagine, over the years we've talked one-on-one about every topic imaginable.
One month when AJ was 15, he decided that we should go to Chili's for his birthday anniversary that month. The next month he wanted to go back to the same Chili's. After we were seated we realized that we had the same waiter as the month before. The waiter repeated what we had to eat the previous month, and asked if we wanted the same thing. How could this waiter have remembered our exact order from a month earlier?
I had to ask him. He replied that he remembered how the two of us spent the evening engaged in deep conversation, like he had never seen between a father and son. He said he wished he could talk to his father the way my son could talk to me. This waiter was a complete stranger, but he spoke to me candidly.
I was flabbergasted. This was one of those compliments that I will value for the rest of my life.
When AJ was 16, he and I discovered (we still argue over who discovered it first) that Stanford University has a Summer program for kids his age. For those of you who don't know, Stanford University has at least some part of almost every major invention involving computers or the Internet in the past 30 years. (The inventions formed the foundation of new companies like HP, Google, Apple, Sun Microsystems, etc.)
Then AJ found that the next Summer he could return to Stanford to take college classes. This was more expensive, but AJ said he would pay for it out of his life savings. The kid was willing to give up his Summer vacation to go to school, and pay for it by depleating his own bank account. As a 17-year-old, he ace'd the college classes 'Computer Science Programing Abstractions' and 'Calculus AB' from Standford University. Pretty impressive considering that neither Jean nor I ever went to college, and 3 of AJ's 4 grandparents didn't even graduate from high school.
One Sunday morning this past Summer, when Jean and I took AJ and our youngest son out for breakfast, we had another one of our great family discussions. Actually, I didn't think much about the conversation until the young mother at the table next to us went to leave with her two small children. She stopped by our table and said to both me and Jean, "I hope that when my kids are older I can have great conversations with them like you two have with your kids." Apparently she had overheard us talking from her table. Again, this is something that Jean and I consider a high complement. It's the kind of compliment that affirms to us that we've been successful in the ways which we consider most important to us.
Next week I'll take Jean and AJ to the airport to fly to Boston so that Jean can spend a few days helping AJ get settled into college at Northeastern University. Even though we already have our oldest son in college in Austin, this will be a new back-to-school experience for us because of the distance involved.
A few weeks ago AJ flew up for orientation, and when I dropped him off at the airport in the wee hours of the morning, I gave him a hug and said, "see-ya, wish I could be-ya." He knows in a way that only he can know, he's living out the dreams of his father.
Those of you who know me and Jean know that we've had a few failures in life, and a few successes. Our children are each individually in our 'success' column, and that makes the failures pretty much insignificant.
And my son AJ is a genuinely nice kid. I sure hope he remembers to call his dad.
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Top-level comments on this article: (10 total)Beautiful and I understand completly. You and Jean can be proud not only of your children but of the job you've done raising them. It's all about priorities and taking time to listen. Boy I hope lots of young parents read this one.Thanks Brianna. I think that our kids are the greatest thing I can point to and declare I'm a success!
Very moving, Bruce. I can see why you are proud of AJ and that you are proud of all your boys. I'm sure they are equally proud, and rightly so, of you and Jean. If hey will be especially so as they mature and become parents themselves. It's surprising how much really conversing with your children helps develop a rock solid individual; not to mention how much you learn from them. We all crave being really listened to and valued for our thoughts, opinions, conclusions and to feel safe to ask questions. There is no greater gift to give our kids nor a bigger responsibility to shoulder during their formation. AJ is obviously a very intellectually talented individual, but you and Jean definitely gave them all a leg-up by your attitude and especially by giving them one-on-one time. Great work all of you.
Thanks Hannah. I agree, talking with your children is a major part of parenting.
Great successful family story. You can be proud of being a father and friend to your boys. I have seen them, all very handsome and smiling faces and loving. Like father like sons.
High 5 to you !Thanks Hilda, yes, like father like sons!
Good article Bruce, you can be proud of your boys. I met two of them when you were on vacation last year.Thanks David. You met our other two boys, since AJ was at Stanford, but they are no less impressive!
After some early unpleasant teaching debacles, with surly and uncooperative classes, I began to think that children were a sexually transmitted disease.
Your parental paradigm of closeness, with your son, violates that tenet.
My dad was heavy-handed; he favored face slapping discipline and was remote, in his nature.
Although we as parents are super proud of all our children, everywhere, we must always remember that as spiritual beings, they come THROUGH us, not FROM us.
Much affection,
PaulYep, we have always been the exception to the rule. Thanks Paul!
I don't see you guys as failures , to be so connected to your children, a lot of parents forget about and support your children , its beautiful , always keep being you
Much love
MichelleThanks Michelle!
This is beautiful, Bruce. I love reading what both you and Jean write about your kids, and the way you've brought them up. All that love, all that connection, and the attention you've paid to each of them individually - it's quite incredible. I'm not at all surprised the waiter remembered you. When I see that kind of connection between parent and child it thrills me and warms my heart in a way I can't even describe. I hope AJ does get to read what you've written here - I'd want to if my dad wrote like this about me!Hmmm, maybe I'll link to it on facebook. I was going to write a more personal note to him like I did my oldest son, and maybe I still will.
Thanks for the compliments.
Awww - Bruce - that was amazing. There is nothing like being close to your kids and in some ways, it is better when they are adults. Reading your musings reminded me of our kids' growing up years. We did similar things; calling them dates since we had daughters. We talk to both kids most every day, still. We've even commented that our kids call too much and just as quickly realize how blessed we are that our kids love..and like us. How we got them to talk to us was a question we were asked often. Our answer was listen and ask questions that cannot be answered with just yes or no. Thanks for a great read and a few minutes of remembering the most important things.
Thanks, Lorrie. It's amazing to hear from your kids that they are doing what they are doing because it's what you taught them to do. I'm so glad my kids don't see race as a factor in the correctness of what they do.
hi bruce,
wonderful.
sometimes, we really don't know what we have until our kids are gone. time really does go by so fast, of all the times i yelled about running up and down the stairs, i'd give anything to hear those sounds now,
thanks for sharing,
my best,
sueI know exactly what you mean, Sue.
It was only yesterday...
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